In the journey of life, we all face moments when we find ourselves in survival mode. 

Maybe because there isn’t a steady stream of work, you’re financially under pressure, or you are on the verge of a relationship breakdown. 

These challenging times can be emotionally and mentally draining, often casting a shadow on your financial well-being and business endeavours. 

As a coach, it’s essential to understand and address the intricate interplay between the mental and emotional burden of survival mode and its impact on money and business. 

Today, I thought it would be important to delve into these aspects and explore strategies and questions to help both you and your clients weather the storm.

Understanding Survival Mode:

We have all experienced survival mode, where you feel heightened stress and anxiety which is triggered by various life challenges. Maybe for you, it is a lack of clients, loss of inspiration, or feeling burnt out.

This mode often leads to a fight-flight-freeze response, where you prioritize immediate survival over long-term goals. 

The Mental and Emotional Toll:

 Let’s address what actually happens in your mind and body during this period of time. 

Survival mode can be mentally exhausting. Constantly worrying about making ends meet or the future of one’s business can lead to high levels of stress and anxiety. Sleepless nights, hiding away from the world. Struggling to concentrate. 

Clients in survival mode may struggle with thought patterns, such as self-doubt, fear, and hopelessness. These emotions can make it difficult to see opportunities or make rational decisions. It is also challenging to switch them off unless you have tools and techniques to help. 

Prolonged survival mode can take a toll on mental health, potentially leading to depression, burnout, or other psychological issues. Coming back from this point takes a. Lot. of. Work. Sometimes it’s easier to catch it and work on it before it gets to this point. 

The Burden on Money and Business:

Financial worries often intensify during survival mode. Clients may face income loss, mounting debt, or uncertainty about the viability of their business. That can then lead to questioning everything. 

Fear and uncertainty can lead to decision fatigue or decision paralysis in both personal and business matters. Clients may avoid making necessary financial choices, hindering progress and growth. Maybe it isn’t decision paralysis but just decision fatigue but this has an impact on change.

Survival mode can also strain personal relationships, as the stress from financial and emotional burdens spills over into interactions with all our relationships.

COACHING STRATEGIES

As a coach, I am surprised how many coaches don’t have basic financial literacy skills. These skills help you to make informed decisions during tough times. I’d encourage everyone in business to learn about budgeting, debt management, and long-term financial planning. 

Challenge thought patterns and help you to reframe their perspectives. Check out the questions of growth for what specific questions to ask. 

Lean on your support systems. That’s why we have classes each and every week of the year so that you can lean on us during stressful times, so we can help you get back inspired and energised about business. 

QUESTIONS OF GROWTH

1. What is it specifically that is creating you to perceive survival?

1. How does what you listed in question 1, serve you? Keep asking until you are certain the benefits and drawbacks are equal. 

These questions will begin to shift your mind from survival to thriving. And from the fight-flight-fright response to more long-term vision for your business and your life. 

We can sometimes stay stuck in this perpetual loop of survival, and it takes work to get you thinking differently. However, it takes energy and effort to survive.

So what would you prefer to do? The work to stay the same or the work to shift your thinking?

The workplace, with its intricate web of professional relationships, is a microcosm of human interactions. Just as children reflect our inner landscapes, siblings uncover our unresolved past, and intimate partners reveal our shadow selves, colleagues and superiors in the workplace bring forth their own unique dynamics. 

This is our last week of exploring the multifaceted world of Relationships Unveiled. Today, we explore workplace relationships, offering insights and strategies for personal growth and fulfilment.

The Workplace Mirror: Reflecting Professional Identities

Your workplace colleagues often serve as mirrors, reflecting back our professional identities. Our interactions with them reveal our communication styles, leadership qualities, and collaborative skills. 

Management guru Peter Drucker says, “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” Learning to read between the lines and use your intuition to check in with reading the room. 

Navigating Colleague Relationships:

Workplace relationships serve as a way to grow yourself. Constructive feedback is a powerful tool for personal and professional development. Embracing feedback as a means to grow can lead to stronger workplace relationships.

Plus, it is an opportunity to build a network of professional relationships can open doors to mentorship and growth. Especially if you are a coach and you are working on your own most of the time, having mentors and role models can guide you, share their experiences, and help you navigate your business.

Leadership Dynamics

Supervisors and managers hold a unique position in the workplace ecosystem. They not only guide the team but also influence its dynamics. Leadership qualities, both positive and negative, can have a profound impact on the work environment and employee morale.

But as a coach, you might not have someone to supervise you. As a psychologist, a doctors, most healthcare workers have supervisors. But coaches do no. Finding a coach who can supervise you, who can share their knowledge, guide you, and help you with your own self-care is essential as a leader. 

With leadership comes influence. In the workplace, you have the opportunity to initiate and guide change. You can influence your community, clients and your colleagues. 

In workplace relationships, success lies in self-awareness, effective communication, and leadership skills. By recognizing that colleagues and superiors serve as mirrors reflecting our professional identities, as we navigate relationships and step into our leadership, we can use our workplace relationships as a means for growth and influence. 

As philosopher Confucius wisely noted, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” 

In the workplace, setbacks and challenges are opportunities for growth and learning. Embracing these opportunities, and harnessing the power of workplace relationships, can lead to a fulfilling career journey.

Remember that each relationship is a stepping stone on the path to personal and professional development. By nurturing these connections, you can not only excel in your career but also contribute to a positive and thriving community and culture.

Let’s delve into the fascinating world of sibling relationships, drawing inspiration from both psychology and philosophy to provide valuable insights for coaches who seek to understand their clients facing challenges in work and home life.

When I reflected on the Relationships Unveiled series and thought about the niches coaches go into, it was interesting that there are many parenting coaches and relationship coaches, but how many sibling coaches do you know?

I can’t think of one. Can you?

Yet this relationship is your first peer relationship, the one you spend the most time with, that you have known and know you the longest. With such a foundational relationship, let’s deep dive into this together.  

In the realm of human psychology, sibling relationships have often been relegated to the sidelines, a lesser-explored facet of the intricate tapestry of human interactions. 

Sigmund Freud himself granted siblings mere passing mentions in his extensive body of work. 

I had to do some digging to find research on this topic and found recent decades have witnessed a profound awakening in the field as researchers begin to unveil the profound impact of siblings on one another’s lives. 

Karen Gail Lewis, Ph.D., a sibling therapist of five decades, has recently authored ‘Sibling Therapy,’ an eye-opening work that delves into how sibling dynamics significantly shape personalities and destinies. 

I know that, I have a complicated sibling dynamic. There was my older brother and I for 5.5 years. Then along came two younger siblings. But then I lived with my Dad, his new partner (AKA my new mumma bear) and brother full time. My mumma bear had a daughter who was 12 years older and was like a sister, friend, and mum all rolled into one. 

During my teen years, my brother was staying with his girlfriend a lot and wasn’t home. My sister was out of home and so I spent my teen years as, what felt like, being an only child. This definitely was formative in my ability to go inward. 

So it felt like lots of sibling relationships were coming and going.

Dr. Lewis beautifully unveils how early experiences and perceptions with our first companions lay the foundation for adult relationships, both at home and in the workplace.

The Sibling Crucible: A Laboratory of Life

Dr. Lewis believes that the sibling relationship is the crucible where individuals first learn to navigate the complex terrain of human interactions. It is during this formative period that children discover the art of conflict resolution, cooperation, negotiation, and competition. 

These skills, etched into their psyches during sibling interactions, often resurface in their adult relationships. This echoes the timeless wisdom of the philosopher Aristotle, who remarked, “We are what we repeatedly do..” Indeed, our early sibling experiences shape the habits that govern our later relationships, both at home and at work.

Parental Echoes: Recreating Sibling Dynamics

Parents, whether consciously or not, tend to project their own sibling experiences onto their children. Those who enjoy harmonious sibling bonds may expect the same for their offspring, while those burdened with sibling conflicts may fear their children will tread a similar path. 

Consequently, parents may inadvertently intensify normal sibling disagreements by intervening too hastily, inadvertently signalling to their children that they cannot resolve their issues independently.

Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, said, “He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.” AKA, you become what you condemn. 

In their attempts to shield their children from the adversities they experience, parents may unknowingly perpetuate these very conflicts.

Sibling Dynamics in the Workplace

Sibling dynamics extend their tendrils into the professional arena as well. Research reveals that unresolved sibling issues from childhood can manifest as self-sabotage patterns in the workplace.

Neuroscientific studies have demonstrated that these patterns are deeply ingrained in the brain’s neural pathways, making them difficult to break free from without introspection and change in perspective. Luckily you have the Demartini Method, which does both. 

As coaches, understanding these deeply rooted patterns is instrumental in helping clients navigate workplace challenges.

Sibling as ‘First Marriage’ and Relationship Choices

Dr. Lewis refers to the sibling relationship as a “first marriage.” It is within this initial bond that individuals learn to live intimately with peers of the same generation. 

Philosophers like Simone de Beauvoir emphasized the importance of choice in relationships, and this extends to sibling dynamics. 

Adults may find that they unknowingly replicate patterns from their ‘first marriage’ in their choice of romantic partners. 

For instance, individuals who experienced abuse from a sibling may unconsciously gravitate towards abusive partners, echoing the philosopher George Santayana’s says, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Sibling Dynamics in Friendships

Our early experiences with siblings can reverberate through our choices in friendships. Children who feel inferior to their siblings may, in adulthood, be drawn to friends who assert dominance and make decisions on their behalf. 

Understanding these dynamics can be vital for coaches working with clients who grapple with perceived toxic friendships, shedding light on the roots of these relationships.

The sibling relationship is a profound force that weaves through the tapestry of our lives. As a coach, armed with insights from both psychology and philosophy, can deeply understand their clients’ challenges, whether in the workplace or at home from a new lens. 

Recognizing the echoes of sibling dynamics in adulthood equips you to guide your clients toward self-awareness, healing, and fulfilling relationships. With this knowledge, you can empower your clients to embrace their early life experiences and rewrite the scripts of their lives.

Parenthood, that remarkable journey of nurturing and guiding the next generation, is often filled with moments of profound self-discovery. 

As parents, we embark on this voyage with the intention of imparting wisdom and love to our children (or just doing the opposite of what our parents did haha). 

Yet, in the process, our little ones can become powerful mirrors, reflecting aspects of ourselves that we have long neglected or disowned. 

In this journey of reflection, children can be catalysts for our own growth and transformation, leading us on a path of unconditional self-love.

The Mirror Effect: Children As Reflectors

Children possess an uncanny ability to mirror our thoughts, behaviours, and emotions. They hold up a mirror to our subconscious, reflecting back to us aspects of ourselves that we may not have fully embraced or acknowledged. 

This phenomenon is not merely coincidental; it is deeply rooted in psychology.

Psychologist Carl Jung introduced the concept of the “shadow self” – the parts of our psyche that we have repressed or disowned due to societal conditioning or personal discomfort. 

Children, in their authenticity, often bring these shadow aspects to the surface. 

It can be as simple as a child exhibiting stubbornness when we, as parents, have strived to be accommodating. Or it can manifest as a child expressing vulnerability when we’ve habitually concealed our own.

The Lesson in Reflection: Embracing Disowned Parts

Children’s reflections can serve as valuable lessons. Rather than viewing these reflections with resistance or judgment, we can choose to explore them with curiosity and fascination. 

When a child exhibits a trait, action or inaction that triggers discomfort within us, it is an invitation to examine our own thoughts and experiences.

Perhaps we have been suppressing these very traits, actions or inactions due to societal expectations or past experiences.

As philosopher Søren Kierkegaard wisely noted, “Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards.” By engaging in this introspective journey, we can gradually uncover and integrate these disowned parts of ourselves. 

This process can be challenging, as it often requires us to confront long-buried emotions and unresolved experiences. It is through this that we find the path to love.

Parenting as Self-Reflection: Breaking the Cycle

In addition to mirroring our disowned parts, children can also challenge us to break free from cycles of generational patterns and conditioning. 

Many of us inherit behaviours and beliefs from our parents and ancestors, both positive and negative. Children, by their very presence, prompt us to question these patterns. 

Are we perpetuating cycles of emotional suppression, perfectionism, or inadequacy? Or are we actively working to create fulfilled environments for our children?

To quote philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, “Become who you are.” Parenthood can be a profound opportunity to become more authentically ourselves by shedding the layers of inherited expectations and embracing our true selves.

Unconditional Self-Love: The Ultimate Gift to Our Children

As we journey through self-reflection and integration of our disowned parts, we ultimately arrive at the destination of unconditional love. This form of love is not dependent on external validation or perfection.

It is a love that embraces our flaws, vulnerabilities, and imperfections, recognizing them as integral parts of our unique human experience.

When we model unconditional love, we gift our children with a powerful lesson – the importance of self-appreciation. This invaluable lesson equips them to navigate their own lives with resilience and authenticity, unburdened by the need for external approval and acceptance.

Conclusion: The Transformative Mirror of Parenthood

Parenthood is a profound journey of self-discovery and growth. Our children, as mirrors of our disowned parts, beckon us to embark on a voyage of self-reflection and integration. 

Through this process, we can break free from generational patterns and conditioning, ultimately arriving at the shores of unconditional love. 

In doing so, we not only transform ourselves but also gift our children with the wisdom and inner strength to embrace their own unique journeys with love and authenticity. 

As the philosopher Rumi reminds us, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” 

Let us embrace the reflective power of parenthood and let the light of love illuminate our lives and the lives of our precious little ones.

P.S. At 15 weeks pregnant, Kate’s unborn baby had a heart condition. She decided to end the baby’s life against the medical team pushing for her to keep the baby. The client struggled with having to be the one to make it and felt she had taken someone’s life. She also didn’t feel supported by the medical team in the process. Watch the Hot Seat Class here.

Over the next 4 weeks I’m going to be sharing a series of newsletters on ‘Relationships Unvield.’  

Each newsletter in the series explores this theme in a different context – children, siblings, intimate partners, workplace colleagues, and sexual expression and how the different types of relationships serve as mirrors, reflecting and shaping various aspects of our inner selves.

We start off with the individual closest to us, our intimate relationship. 

Intimate relationships are more than just romantic unions; they are profound mirrors reflecting our inner landscapes. 

These relationships have the ability to possess a unique power – they can illuminate the darkest corners of your soul, bringing to light the parts of ourselves that we may have long repressed or maybe even deemed unlovable. #canyoufeelthelovetonight

In the sacred space of intimacy, we have the opportunity to embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery, healing, and ultimately, embracing our whole selves.

The Reflective Power of Intimacy

Intimate relationships act as a mirror, offering us glimpses of our hidden, disowned parts. Intimate partners can bring to the surface aspects of ourselves that we may have buried due to societal conditioning, past trauma, or self-judgment.

These repressed parts often manifest as insecurities, fears, or unresolved emotional wounds.

Psychologist and philosopher William James famously said, “We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.” 

Intimate relationships bridge the gap between these islands, exposing our interconnectedness and inviting us to explore deeper within ourselves to realise our whole self.

Confronting the Shadows: Embracing Our Repressed Parts

Intimate relationships provide a safe space to confront our shadows – those aspects of ourselves that we may have deemed unworthy of love. 

When our partners trigger feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or vulnerability, it is an invitation to look within and explore the origins of these emotions. 

Perhaps they stem from past perceived wounds or beliefs we adopted about ourselves.

Philosopher Carl Jung coined the term “individuation” to describe the process of integrating the different facets of our personality into a unified whole. 

Intimate relationships serve as catalysts for this process, prompting a journey of self-discovery and healing, if we choose. 

The Healing Power of Unconditional Love

Intimate partners play a unique role in our healing journey. When they witness and love our repressed parts, it can be profoundly transformative. 

This shows we are lovable and worthy of love, even in our perceived flaws and vulnerabilities.

When we receive unconditional love from our spouses, it becomes a catalyst for self-love. We begin to see that we are deserving of love not just in spite of our imperfections but because of them. #deeplove

Intimacy as a Journey of Self-Discovery

Intimate relationships are a journey, not a destination. 

As we explore our repressed parts within the context of a loving partnership, we become more intimately acquainted with ourselves. 

We uncover the layers of conditioning, insecurities, and fears that have shaped us, and in doing so, we gain the power to reshape our narratives.

Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre famously said, “We are our choices.” In intimate relationships, we are confronted with choices – to confront our shadows, to heal, and to love unconditionally. 

Each choice we make brings us closer to embracing our whole selves and, in turn, enriches the depth of our intimacy. 

Questions of Growth

Here are some questions to ask to grow in your relationship.

1. What is my relationship reflecting to me?
2. What parts am I trying to hide from my spouse or the world that they are bringing to the surface for me to face?
3. How is my spouse helping me to unconditionally love myself and/or others.

Intimate relationships are alchemical laboratories where the lead of our repressed and unloved parts can be transformed into the gold of self-love and acceptance. 

They hold the power to reveal, heal, and ultimately integrate these hidden aspects of ourselves, enabling us to become more complete and loving beings.

In the sacred space of intimacy, we learn that to love another deeply, we must first love and embrace our own repressed parts. 

In doing so, we unlock the potential for profound personal growth and the kind of love that transcends illusions and limitations.

In the sacred space of intimacy, we learn that to love another deeply, we must first love and embrace our own repressed parts. 

In doing so, we unlock the potential for profound personal growth and the kind of love that transcends illusions and limitations. 

So, as a coach, or as a spouse, I hope that you found this valuable.

Until next week.

Tanya x

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

Maximum Growth

Have you ever sat down to do ‘the work’ but then…

Oh, you forgot your water. 

Off you go to fill up your bottle.  

Back at your Demartini Method form, you start thinking about what you want to work on. 

A colleague? A friend? A leader?…’

Your phone beeps with a notification.     

You check it. It’s a message from a client. Better respond. 

Back to form again. 

Rumble. 

What’s that sound? 

Rumble. Rumble. 

What’s going on? Where is that sound coming from? 

Rumble. Rumble. Rumble.

Of course! It’s my belly! 

Better go eat. Can’t work when I’m hungry.  

Off to make a snack.

And then you’ve 30 minutes into applying the Demartini Method and you haven’t even selected the trait, action or inaction. 

This was me recently when I went to sit down to do the work. 

But what’s going on? 

Distraction. Yes. That’s obvious. 

Seeking pleasure. At times. Yes.

Let’s deep dive into this as I know you’ve had moments like this in your journey of applying the work. 

What’s the problem behind the problem?

1. Afraid of shining your light in the world? Because with you light comes accountability and responsibility. And that’s scary.
2. Worried about the changes to your life? Maybe it’s outgrowing your life, your philosophies, your friends. Maybe it means less time with your children. Not embracing the change and holding tightly onto the current experience. 
3. Comparison with how sllllloooowww you are at doing the work compared to others. But this old chestnut isn’t something that shows up here when you’re doing the work when you do business, friendships, or life. 

Have you thought of this {name}… 

Maybe how you show up and do the Demartini Method is how you do life? 

1. Run from it 
2. Stay stuck 
3. Talk about it but don’t do it
4. Devote to it and stick at it even when it’s tough

Maybe all these show up in your life where you run from challenges and problems, choose to stay stuck and not move, mentally masticate but don’t take action in business and life, or devote to the things that you value, roll up your sleeves and do the hard work that it takes to grow and get your service to the world. 

Marriam Williamson said it perfectly ‘We are more afraid of our light than our dark.’ 

But a little wisdom from Abraham Lincoln “you’re not bound to succeed, you are bound to live up to the light within you.”  

QUESTIONS OF GROWTH 

Here are some Demartini Method Questions you can ask yourself.

• If not now? When?

• If not, who? Why not you? 

So, in those moments of distraction, when you find yourself avoiding work that could potentially change your life… 

Remember, Maximum Growth is here, week in, week out to hold your hand or your feet to the fire to do the inner work. 

And if you are scared, if you are resisting, just on the edge of that is greatness

It’s time to shine brightly, to step into your power, and to share your story with the world. The world needs your light, and it’s your responsibility to let it shine.

The journey will be worth it.

Tanya ‘Counsellort’ Cross

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

Maximum Growth

During our recent Mindset Class, one of our members shared a common challenge they faced with a business partner. They considered their partners exceptional, particularly in sales, while they excelled in handling the systems and processes. 

This situation is a familiar occurrence in business partnerships – we often believe that our collaborator possesses the skills or qualities we lack. 

For solopreneurs, the perception of lacking specific skills or support can also arise, creating a sense of 

In the business world, patterns of interaction between you and your business partner, or if you are flying solo, one side you’re expressing and repressing, are referred to as “relationship patterns.” 

Relationship patterns are patterns of interaction that show up again and again and from a pattern. Pretty simple, hey! 

Recent research suggests that labelling (OMG – yes, labelling serves a purpose) and understanding these relationship patterns can hold significant value for you as a coach and business owner.

It not only enhances the business relationship’s health but also affects the well-being of both partners.

How you understand your Relationship Pattern Labeling for Businesses thoroughly examines how you and your business partners engage with each other (or with your clients if you’re a solopreneur). 

Once you know which label you fit under, you can know how to communicate when someone isn’t communicating with you in a way you like and understand why you might feel so challenged. 

Let’s delve into the 12 RPLs and identify which patterns resonate most with your business dynamic. I thought I’d give you an insight into Justin and my dynamic. (Note: If you’re a solopreneur, then there will be one part you do, and one part is missing.) 

1. Navigator/Explorer: One partner seeks regular updates and engagement, while the other values autonomy. (Navigator – Justin / Explorer – Justin & Me )

2. Strategist/Tactician: One partner is inclined toward long-term planning, while the other excels in tactical execution. (Strategist – Justin / Tactician – Me )

3. Innovator/Traditionalist: Partners differ in their embracing of new ideas and methods. (Innovator – Justin & Me / Traditionalist – Justin)

4. Risk-Taker/Cautious: One partner is inclined to take bold risks, while the other prefers a cautious approach. (Risk-Taker – Justin / Cautious – Me )

5. Collaborator/Soloist: One partner thrives in collaborative efforts, while the other excels individually. (Collaborator – Justin / Soloist – Me )

6. Visionary/Pragmatist: One partner envisions ambitious future goals, while the other focuses on practical steps. (Visionary – Justin & Me /Pragmatist- Justin & Me)

7. Pioneer/Follower: One partner spearheads innovation, while the other prefers adopting proven strategies. (Pioneer – Me / Follower – Justin)

8. Investor/Entrepreneur: Partners differ in their resource allocation preferences – one is more conservative, while the other is more daring. (Investor – Me & Justin / Entrepreneur)

9. Specialist/Generalist: One partner excels in a particular niche, while the other has a broader skill set. (Specialist/Generalist – Me & Justin)

10. Lead/Support: One partner takes the lead while the other provides vital support. (Lead – Me /Support – Justin)

11. Local/Global: One partner emphasizes local market engagement, while the other pursues global opportunities. (Local  – Me & Justin / Global – Me & Justin)

12. Traditional/Disruptive: One partner values traditional business approaches, while the other embraces disruptive changes. (Traditional / Disruptive – Me)

You may identify with more than one pattern. 

Look at an example and take the “Navigator/Explorer” relationship pattern.

Suppose you’re a life coach and often collaborate with a coaching partner, Alex. In this partnership, you play the role of the Navigator. You believe in maintaining regular contact with your clients, scheduling frequent follow-up sessions, and providing constant guidance and support. You believe this level of engagement is essential to helping clients achieve their goals.

On the other hand, Alex is the Explorer in your coaching partnership. They value autonomy and believe clients should have the space to explore and make decisions. They prefer a coaching style that encourages clients to lead their personal development journeys.

This dynamic can sometimes create tension. As the Navigator, you might feel frustrated when Alex’s coaching approach appears less involved than yours. You might think that clients need more guidance and structure, while Alex believes in allowing clients to find their own path.

Recognizing these distinct coaching relationship patterns is essential for successful coaching practice. 

Instead of conflicting coaching styles, you can leverage both Navigator and Explorer approaches when working with clients.

Some clients may benefit from a more hands-on, structured approach, while others may thrive with greater autonomy and self-discovery. 

This flexibility in coaching styles allows you to better meet your clients’ diverse needs and preferences, ultimately leading to more positive coaching outcomes.

In conclusion, business relationships are multifaceted. Utilizing the RPL concept can’t perfectly encapsulate your dynamic, but it can foster empathy and ultimately contribute to a more fulfilling and collaborative business journey.

QUESTIONS OF GROWTH 

1. Define your (and if you have a partner, their) relationship pattern label.

2. Identify what is missing for you, e.g., innovation, strategy, risk-taking.

3. This is a question in the Demartini Method Patterns and dynamics offer a valuable framework for understanding your role, where your strengths lie and where you need help.

As John C. Maxwell, once said, “Teamwork makes the dream work.” 

Having a team that aligns with you will amplify your opportunities for synergy and growth. 

At Maximum Growth, we love being on your mindset team, working silently in the background with you, so you can go and deliver your service out to the world.

I came across this in a session this week that you want to keep in the back of your mind and that is valuable for relationships.

It’s called the “Phantom Ex.”

Have you heard of it before?

“Phantom Ex” is the concept where thoughts, emotions, or fantasies about a former romantic partner persist and even interfere with a current relationship. 

You’re still emotionally attached to your ex-partner, and it can manifest in these 5 ways. 

1. Unresolved Feelings: They may have unresolved feelings, such as guilt, or regret, related to the previous relationship.

2. Comparisons: The individual compares their current partner to their ex, often idealizing or romanticising the qualities or experiences they had with the ex-partner.

3. Insecurity: Feelings of insecurity or inadequacy in the current relationship can arise because they believe their ex was a better match or that they could not move on from their ex.

4. Impact on Communication: Fantasizing about the ex can lead to decreased communication and emotional intimacy in the current relationship. It can increase the frequency of arguments and disagreements. 

5. Difficulty Moving Forward: They may struggle to fully invest in the current relationship, as their emotional energy is still tied to the past.

The client I was working with this week, let’s call her Jane. She is in a relationship. Let’s call him Mark, but she frequently talks about her ex-partner. 

She idealizes her ex, praising his sense of emotional intelligence. Whenever Mark and Jane have a disagreement, she mentions how her ex would have handled the situation better. 

Mark feels overshadowed by Jane’s past relationship, and this comparison creates tension in their relationship.

It also creates tension in Jane’s life as her life doesn’t match her desire. The phantom ex strikes. 

This isn’t the only time this has happened. Sometimes, single people can’t stop thinking about an ex. Even though they may have separated years or even decades ago, they still have feelings towards them and regret their breakup. 

These unresolved emotions make it challenging for people to fully commit to a new relationship. 

Buuuuuttt. If you’ve been hangin’ in these halls for a while, you’d have heard about the problem under the problem.

And because someone presents with a deep longing for a past relationship doesn’t mean that it is the true, deeper issue. 

Sometimes, as you dig deeper, there is a conflict between the desire for emotional closeness and intimacy and the fear that they’ll become dependent on their partner. 

As their mind holds onto the idea of the ex, it creates a sense of closeness and comfort, but it also avoids being vulnerable and allowing someone in.

Often, this can stem from childhood and the come-close-go-away experiences they had with adults who cared for them.

QUESTIONS OF GROWTH 

So what is the best pathway forward? 

You have to let go of the past to move into the future. 

1. Making a list of the exes and every downside about them (think all 7 areas of life), until they are certain they don’t want to be with them anymore.

2. Get on the path and purpose. When you are busy doing something meaningful, you are concerned if one individual of the almost 8 billion people on the planet isn’t in a relationship with you. 

Phantom Ex” phenomenon can be a challenging hurdle in our pursuit of meaningful relationships. While thoughts of past partners may linger, they often mask deeper emotional issues and fears. 

The key to moving forward is self-awareness and taking proactive steps. Letting go of the past, acknowledging unresolved feelings, and working on personal growth can pave the way for fulfilling connections in the present and future.

By recognizing and addressing these patterns, we can break free from the haunting grip of our “Phantom Ex” and embrace the potential for authentic relationships.

Your enemy – they’ll tear you down at the drop of a hat, whisper to other people how shit you are as a coach or post that they see one slight weakness in your armour and bring you down. But what happens when you perceive those closest to you as your enemy?

How does that affect your mental health, mindset, and relationships?

Let’s face it. We live in a world where we might not have surrounded ourselves with a supportive inner circle of friends and family.

Our inner circle is meant to be a place where you can be yourself and take a breath.  

However, sometimes we find ourselves viewing the very people in this circle as adversaries who go against us. This mindset can profoundly affect our overall well-being, affecting how we do life and, of course, business.

When we perceive our loved ones as enemies, it can trigger a range of perceived negative emotions, such as anger, resentment, and even suspicion. 

Being on guard within our inner circle can lead to heightened anxiety and stress, affecting our mental health. 

These feelings may gradually erode our ability to trust others, leaving us feeling isolated and emotionally drained.

(so maybe if you’re feeling emotionally sucked dry, this is because you’re lacking the people that get you around you.)

So let’s coin the phrases (another one, Tanya! Yes, another one, check out last week’s new term here.) It’s the enemy’s perception.

The enemy perception within the inner circle often stems from past experiences or unresolved conflicts.

We may project our insecurities onto those closest to us, perceiving harmless actions or innocent remarks as intentional attacks. 

This mindset creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, distorting our perception of reality and preventing us from meaningful relationships.

But what happens to our relationships?

Our inner circle relationships can suffer greatly, drastically affecting us. And when our personal life is in shambles, it’d be difficult to show up in your business. 

This reminds me of our Mindset Class last week when Shaine was working on a moment. She was in a cyclone. This experience bonded her family; each time they go through a crisis, they are all there for each other. 

That experience may not be yours. You may feel alone and isolated, and people don’t have your back when needed. 

Conflict and tension erode the foundations of relationships, especially trust and intimacy.

QUESTIONS OF GROWTH 

Misunderstandings escalate, imagine it like bricks stacking up on each other and getting ready to topple at any moment. Meaningful connections become severed. 

So, how can we address ‘the enemy perception’ and not have them as a frenemy but as another human living their life? Here are the top two tips:

1. Seek self-awareness and recognize that these perceptions are your filter of the world and take ownership of your thinking by asking yourself where and when have you done something the same or similar to the individual you judge.

2. Know that your communication will be a factor in a friendship or enemy. Challenge someone enough, and they will be against you, support someone (in what is important to them) and they will stand beside you. How do you create a win/win, or support their values in a way that supports your values?

As you work through these tips and questions, you’ll notice a shift in perception and a change in others’ behaviour. You get to let your guard down with the people you love and allow them inside.

Just thinking – it’s been ages since I’ve seen you, or maybe we haven’t met in person yet. I wanted to say thank you for being part of our community and give a big squeezy virtual hug (and if you’re not a hugger – I get it, we can give each other a head nod and a wink instead).

If you’re struggling with being misunderstood and feeling alone, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to reply to this email or connect with us on social media land.

 Wishing you a week filled with growth and deeper, more meaningful connections.