So you have a desire for things to be different?

You say this is the day, month or year…

I’m going to do more of the inner work. 

But the end of February rolls around and here we are, not yet taking the biggest action steps towards your inner world goals. 

When you find yourself in the land of inaction – with a heart full of desire for action, this is for you.

My question to you is simple.

What is the resistance?

What stops you from self-reflecting?

Self-reflection is a transformative experience.

But it is not uncommon to have obstacles or even resistance along the way. 

Here is what I have learned through the 15 years of coaching about doing ‘the work’;

1. Time constraints with being too busy. Other priorities in life can make it challenging to set aside dedicated time for self-reflection. Because we may prioritize other values or responsibilities or feel overwhelmed, too tired and then self-reflection can be too hard to integrate into our daily life.
2. Fear of uncomfortable emotions, this old chestnut, arises when we self reflect. We may have spent a lifetime avoiding or repressing, suppress emotions that we fear feeling all the feelz. The fear of facing these emotions acts as a barrier to engaging in deep introspection.
3. The loud inner critic of judgy judgy self. The “inner critic” may arise during self-reflection, fueling self-doubt and judgment. Thinking you’re too slow, not doing it right, or not getting it makes it challenging to explore moments. 
4. A resistance to change can creep up as self-reflection often leads to insights and realizations that bring on change in your life. Each breakthrough shifts how you perceive yourself and life. A resistance to change impedes the process of self-reflection and inner transformation. 
5. Uncertainty about how to practice self-reflection leads you to feel unsure about where to begin, what questions to ask, and how to do self-reflection and get maximum results.  

Self-reflection is a beautiful journey to be on. 

Knowing thy self is the beginning of all learning, so they say. 

Understanding yourself—your thinking, experiences, emotions, drive, desire, values, vision – is esssential to personal growth which creates a fulfilling life. 

When you understand yourself, what is birthed is your identity. 

You don’t know who you are if you don’t dive deep into what makes you you. 

Your identity emerges from the depths of self-awareness, deep introspection, and exploration of your inner world. 

But often, the outer world has laid you with expectations. 

From society, family, teachers, friends, colleagues, world leaders…

The influence comes in all shapes and sizes. 

As you introspect, you go on a journey of self-understanding, and you uncover layers of your true self.

Then, your true self doesn’t waver with who is around you.

It means when you know your identity, it serves as a compass, guiding you through life and helping you on a path that feels aligned and congruent to you. 

It means when life is uncertain and changing, your identity and your sense of self are clear and steady.

So, how do you work through the resistance to self-reflect?

Have a drive to know your identity. 

Build up a curiosity to self-reflect. 

If you’d love a set of questions to self-reflect, reply with “Self Reflect”, and we will send them over to you. 

Answering these self-reflection questions is the best guide I know to turn inward to understand yourself more deeply. 

Whether you choose to dive into these questions in one sitting or select a few to ponder upon each day, the aim is to spark profound self-awareness, develop a sense of self and guide you on a path of fulfilment and purpose. 

Tanya x

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

Maximum Growth

Let me share a story. It isn’t my story; it is a polarised, inflamed story that you might not have heard before. 

The story goes like this…

Echo found herself on the wrong side of Venus’s wrath, cursed and unable to speak on her own. 

While wandering the woods one day, she stumbled upon the strikingly handsome Narcissus amidst a hunting expedition. 

Despite her desire to call out to him, the curse held her tongue captive, frustrating her attempts. 

Fortunately for Echo, fate intervened as Narcissus became separated from his companions, prompting him to shout, “Is anyone there?” 

Echo seized the opportunity to initiate a conversation by completing his phrase, her echoing voice catching his attention.

Their meeting, however, took a tragic turn when Echo, overwhelmed by her infatuation, made advances towards Narcissus, only to be rejected. Ouch!

Undeterred, her unrequited love intensified, mirroring the timeless pattern of unreciprocated affection. AKA to want but not to be wanted in return. 

Ultimately, Echo’s journey culminated in a solitary demise within a desolate cave, a poignant end to her unfulfilled longing. 

Meanwhile, Narcissus, ensnared by his own vanity, garnered admiration from numerous admirers but remained fixated solely on himself.

In a twist of fate, Narcissus met his demise while gazing at his own reflection in a pool, unable to extend his love beyond his own image. 

Thus, their intertwined destinies serve as a cautionary tale of the perils of self-absorption.

…

This story has fascinated people for centuries. 

And it was only in 1968 that Heinz Kohut invented the term for Narcissus in which he labelled “narcissistic personality disorder”.

However, if you read about “narcissism,” you’ll find that there is the following behavioural actions, 

• Sense of entitlement
• Manipulative behavior
• Need for admiration
• Lack of empathy

So let’s look a little further into the behaviours from the DSM-5.

• Grandiosity is a pervasive pattern (making themselves appear impressive)
• Desire for adoration
• Power fantasies, success fantasies, beauty fantasies, or an exaggerated view of love fantasies
• A feeling of being entitled
• Belief in one’s own specialness, uniqueness, or high status
• Empathy for others is lacking
• A proclivity to take advantage of others
• Arrogant attitude

Really, it is just meaning ‘arsehole’.

People use narcissism in so many environments, work, relationships, politics and everything in between. 

And we’ve all met a few of them.

And if we hold a mirror up in true self-reflection style, we are one too. 

So why do labels exist in human behaviour, why do we box people in?

A part of our development in our brain is to learn to categorise. Our brains are wired to organise and make sense of the world around us, including the people we encounter. 

Labels will essentially help you to simplify complex information and categorise individuals based on behaviors, and make predictions about how they might behave in the future.

But with the double-edged sword, while labels can be useful in certain contexts, they can also be limiting. 

How do you know you have labelled someone? 

Think of it as catagorising. It is a bunching together a number of traits, actions and inactions.

Some examples are “introvert” or “extrovert,” identities such as “student” or  “parent,” or groups of people like “Republican,” “Democrat,” or ‘Labor’ Or “Liberal” or an action like ‘“lazy”. 

Let’s explore lazy as a label.

Lazy is avoiding or delaying tasks or responsibilities, lacks drive in x, y or z, and chooses leisure over productive work…

Or extrovert

Energised by interactions with others, engages with talking, or thinks out loud.

A label is a bias and assumption, challenging stereotypes, but doesn’t describe specifically enough what they are doing or not doing. 

You can face gaslighting, emotional abuse, being ignored, or being made into a villain if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. 

You can feel as if you’re going insane or as if you’re always walking on eggshells. 

Swinging back to the narcissist, 

Removing labels helps us to appreciate the individual, but putting a label on them does the same thing too. 

Labelling can be a way for you to communicate your experience so others get a picture of what you are describing. 

Imagine trying to list everything in one go, but the quick way to say it in one to two words.

Makes sense hey Coach.

So, let’s not label labels as negative. 

They serve a purpose. 

Now, if you feel you are playing Echo to the Narcissus in your life right now, and want to dissolve this dynamic, then reply with ‘Echo,’  

We have a Transformation Day coming up and it’s perfect to work through this dynamic. 

We’ll dissolve the dynamic and get you to find your voice. 

With oodles of love,

Tanya x

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

Maximum Growth

Hey Coach,

 

2024 starts in one sleep, and we wanted to share an inspiring story that we hope will ignite something in you…

 

This is an incredible story of determination and resilience with someone who has no barriers and knows no age or experience limit.

 

Clifford Young was not your typical athlete, he was born and raised as a farmer in Victoria, Australia, Cliff had never shown any particular interest in sports during his youth.

 

However, at the age of 57, he had a change in his values. The farmer from Down Under discovered he was inspired by long-distance running.

 

In 1982, at the age of 60, Cliff attempted to run a thousand miles (approximately 1.6 thousand kilometres) around Memorial Square in Colac, Victoria, aiming to break a world record.

 

Although he fell short of his goal, Cliff’s failure did not deter his pursuit.

 

Just a year later, at 61, he entered the Australian Super Marathon—a gruelling 864-kilometre race from Melbourne to Sydney (that’s 9 hours drive – imagine).

 

Unconventional Competitor

On the day of the race, seasoned athletes and spectators were bewildered when they saw Cliff Young at the starting line.

 

Sporting overalls and galoshes over his boots (think booty covers), he was at the start line, ready.

 

Many initially assumed he was a spectator, while others expressed genuine concern for his well-being.

 

After all, attempting such a feat at his age without sponsors or specialised training seemed implausible and even impossible.

 

But Cliff was undeterred by the outside world.

 

When interviewed by the media, he declared, “No, I can do it. I grew up on a farm where we couldn’t afford horses or a car until very recently. When the storm was approaching, I went out to herd the sheep. We had 2,000 sheep grazing on 2,000 acres. Sometimes I caught sheep for 2-3 days – it was not easy, but I always caught them. I think I can participate in the race because it is only 2 days longer and is only 5 days, while I run after the sheep for 3 days.”

 

So he’d be training for this moment most of his life.

 

The Journey

As the race began, professional athletes quickly left Cliff far behind.

 

Spectators from across Australia watched in awe, praying for his safe finish.

 

Little did Cliff know that completing the 864-kilometre journey required running for 18 hours a day and sleeping for only 6 hours, a fact unknown to him at the time.

 

To everyone’s astonishment, Cliff didn’t sleep during the race’s early stages and trailed behind.

 

However, each night, he gradually caught up with his competitors.

 

On the final day, he surged ahead and ultimately claimed victory in the Sydney-Melbourne Supermarathon, completing the gruelling race in just 5 days, 15 hours, and 4 minutes

 

That was 10 hours faster than his nearest rival.

 

Inspiring Others

In his victory, Cliff refused to claim any prizes for himself.

 

Instead, he divided his $10,000 prize money among the other runners, winning the hearts of the entire nation.

 

Cliff Young continued his love for running, participating in international events, and even taking on the challenge of running to raise money for homeless children.

 

His final running accomplishment was setting a world record in a six-day marathon in 2000 (so that is 18 years of doing his craft).

 

In 2003, at the age of 81, Cliff Young passed away, leaving behind a legacy of endurance and inspiration that continues to inspire generations to this day.

 

INSPIRATION & GROWTH

So 2024 is around the corner. What can we learn from Cliff?

1. If you fail once, it doesn’t mean give up, it means keep going. The magic is in what you are avoiding.
2. Your childhood experiences have meaning to your mission today.
3. Don’t let the outside world influence your inner determination.
4. Age nor experience doesn’t have to be a barrier to your mission. If you have an inner calling to coach, then coach.

 

Let’s make 2024 all about chasing our dreams and achieving more than we once thought possible.

 

With love,

Tanya, Justin & the Maximum Growth Team

Maximum Growth

When a person is stuck in the trauma of their past, they find it hard to imagine a future for themselves.

 

Coupled with the loss of identity, you question ‘who the hell are you?

 

Not having a sense of self can lead to a downward spiralling state of mind (think Alice in Wonderland – but you don’t go to such a wonderful place.)

 

For some people, their struggle is with choices they made in the past that have not aligned with who they want to be.

 

Some struggle with regretting the past.

 

Some do not love the skin they are in.

 

Whatever it is. The struggle is real.

 

What is common to these people is, they have a sense of stagnation.

 

Their identity is rooted in the past, and they can’t move forward. Time becomes this eternal loop. Stuck in the past.

 

When problems came up, it felt like a replication of a past problem.

Over and over again, unable to envision a solution.

 

Instead of dealing with the mayhem in their memories, they push them away.

 

Compress. Repress. Suppress.

All leading to depression. Depressed self.

 

It takes courage to review your life, face things that are painful, and ask quality questions to appreciate the choices you made under challenging circumstances.

 

It takes courage to draw a line in the sand to say, enough! No one else can make the change but me.

 

Yes, it is so difficult to face yourself.

 

But let’s face it (not you, but in a more general sense).

 

Facing it alone sucks.

 

That’s why we have doubled our Maximum Growth Community Co Working Space each week.

 

These classes give you an opportunity, when you are part of the membership, to join other like-minded coaches to do the work together. Face your staff as a team.

 

When you change any “you” statement to “we”, it gives a greater sense of belonging.

 

When you belong, you feel connected to a community, that people care, you feel less isolated and alone and can build connections and you get inspiration cooties to rub off on you.

 

So, when you have trauma, and you lose a sense of self, the next thing is to tell you that it will get better – but that means anything.

 

And in fact, it is only selling you a fantasy of the future.

 

But you want to imagine a future for yourself.

And you have to be willing to do the hard work to shift your perspective.

Because it is hard work staying where you are.

So you may as well roll your sleeves up, and get to work.

 

Come join us for Maximum Growth classes. The community co-working space is on 4 times a week, every week.

 

Be with others who are on the same journey.

 

Hang out with Justin, myself and the community.

 

Love to see you there. Hit “yes I’m in” if you show up next week.

Tanya “mind (and sometimes spoon) bending’ Cross – or just call me Bendy for short.

A few weeks ago, I did a series of newsletters on The Mirrors of Human Relationships: Reflections on Growth and Self-Discovery (Read part 1, part 2, part 3 & part 4).

 

It was such a hit, and people loved it. I even noticed another coach using it in their program – Yah, to see the ripple effect of the work that is being shared. (You know who you are – I see you and honour you).

 

On reflection, it sparked the idea of two more to add to the series.

 

Today, let’s talk about how our sexual expressions and relationships also play a significant role in our personal growth and self-discovery.

 

Sexuality, a fundamental aspect of human existence, has the power to illuminate the innermost recesses of our identities. Sexual expression and intimate relationships serve as mirrors, revealing our desires, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and self-acceptance.

 

Let’s go deep. Really deep. Oh yeeaaah….. Hey! Where did your mind go?!?

 

I’m talking about the deep dive into the intricate dynamics of sexual expression and how it reflects and shapes our inner world.

 

Sexuality as a Mirror: Reflecting Desires and Insecurities

Our sexual desires and preferences often mirror our deeper emotional and psychological needs. Philosopher Simone de Beauvoir, who was about feminist empowerment, eloquently observed, “One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.”

 

Our sexuality is not solely an innate aspect but is also shaped by societal norms, personal experiences, and self-identity.

 

We have to work at our sexual expression, and our desires, and speak up. Like a muscle where you go to the gym, sexuality and the expression of it is important.

 

Navigating Sexual Relationships:

Effective communication is paramount in intimate relationships. Open, honest and transparent discussions about desires, boundaries, and consent can lead to more fulfilling sexual dynamics.

 

Sexual intimacy often requires a high degree of vulnerability. Trusting our partners with our deepest desires and insecurities can lead to greater emotional intimacy.

 

And this can be hard. Because after years or even decades, you might realise you like cucumbers but you never did before. And now your dream about the cucumber, you want it, you want it in every way, shredded, sliced, in its raw form… You get my drift.. But how did you have this conversation when your spouse thinks you don’t like cucumbers at all?

We’re allowed to change, hey! That’s a yes.

 

Sexual exploration can be a journey of self-discovery. It allows us to understand our bodies, desires, and preferences, shedding light on our evolving identities.

 

Sexuality as a Shaper: Transforming Self-Appreciation and Identity

On the flip side, sexual experiences have the power to shape our self-identity. They can lead to profound insights into our attitudes toward our bodies, self-worth, and emotional well-being.

 

Social norms play a role in our own perception of ourselves, our bodies and our expression. Here are some ways we can transform our perceptions and find a stronger sense of self in relationships and our sexual expressions.

 

Society often imposes unrealistic beauty standards that can impact our self-image. Exploring our sexuality can challenge these norms, allowing us to embrace and appreciate our bodies as they are.

For some, sexual experiences may involve healing from past traumas or exploring newfound empowerment.

 

QUESTIONS OF GROWTH

What I love about the Demartini Method is that it can be used for so many challenges, including sexual trauma and challenges, dissolving judgement and awakening more sexual expression within ourselves and with our spouse.

 

1. What is one thing you have never done but wish you had?
2. How would it benefit you to be able to express this/do this for both yourself and your spouse? Keep asking and answering the question until you feel the shift and feel ready to have a conversation.
3. The material you have with question 2 you can use as your sales pitch. Go have a conversation. ie. “I asked my partner if they wanted to try a little role-playing. They said, ‘Sure, you can be the doctor and pay off my medical bills.'” Resistance or not getting the reaction you wanted means you haven’t sold it to them yet.

In the realm of sexual expression and relationships, self-awareness and self-appreciation are key. Communication becomes the way to break down barriers and get your needs and desires met.

 

By recognizing the ways in which our sexual desires, experiences, and identities reflect and shape our inner world, we can embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth.

 

It is through open dialogue, exploration, and self-acceptance that we can harness the transformative power of our sexuality.

 

Ultimately, our sexual expression can be a profound avenue for personal growth.

Feeling adventurous? Are you up for it?

Once upon a time, in a quaint little town, there lived a woman named Sarah. She was vibrant and intelligent and valued her relationships. 

 

Yet, Sarah had a way of approaching relationships that often left her feeling lost and unfulfilled.

 

Sarah was the kind of person who believed that her happiness hinged on her partner being there with her. She couldn’t help but rely heavily on them for reassurance and a sense of security. This made her relationships feel like a rollercoaster, with moments of euphoria followed by sharp drops of anxiety.

 

One day, Sarah’s close friend Jake sat her down for a heart-to-heart conversation. “Sarah,” he said gently, “It’s wonderful to value your partner, but don’t forget to nurture your own sense of self. It can help break the cycle of emotional dependence.”

 

Sarah’s trust issues had her worrying that her partner would abandon her for someone else. She found herself feeling suspicious whenever her partner spent time with friends, family, or anyone close to them. Paranoia was high. It was like a never-ending loop of jealousy and insecurity.

 

Sarah’s sister, Jane, offered her some valuable insight. “Sarah,” she said, “Every healthy relationship requires you to work on your own pain point that you bring into the relationship that is interfering with having closeness. Which is the very thing you want.’

 

Sarah yearned to hear that she was loved, appreciated, and valued by her partner. Without these external actions, she often spiralled into feelings of emptiness and sadness.

 

Sarah was inherently demanding when it came to her relationships. She craved her partner’s attention and affection. Whenever she was alone with her partner, she felt uneasy, and if her needs weren’t met, she would explode in frustration.

 

During the session, we explored this fear of someone leaving her, when she wanted to be chosen. Be the number one. Where does it stem from?

 

Digging deep down, it was her mother. Her mother chose God over her. And so then she clung so tightly to her partner for fear of abandonment, and that not being chosen. 

 

Emotional charges, left unresolved, create a hypervigilant state. This is where the individual monitors her partner’s every move, searching for any signs of disappointment or anger. Seeking a confirmation bias of affirming what they felt as a child being projected into the adult relationship.  

 

This led her to adopt a pattern of people-pleasing to avoid conflict. 

 

In the journey of Sarah’s life, she learned that recognizing these patterns was the first step towards healthier relationships. Becoming aware is the beginning of change. 

 

QUESTIONS OF GROWTH

1. Reflect on your own relationship dynamic (or if you are single, choose a family member, friend or business dynamic), what is the underlying dynamic, and where it stems from (eg. Sarah – relationship dynamic of people please, avoid conflict, fear of abandonment – that stemmed from a mother’s wound.)

What is it for you? I’m curious. Feel free to hit reply and tell me your story.

 

 

Just like Sarah, we all have our unique relationship dynamics to navigate. 

 

Navigating the seas of relationships requires not just sailing together but exploring the uncharted depths beneath the surface. Explore the very charges that are hazing and interfering with truly being and loving ourselves and our spouse. 

 

By understanding these patterns and actively working on the deeper layers of the problem under the problem, we can create fulfilling relationships. 

 

Tanya “Heart Open” Cross

 

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

Maximum Growth

 

P.S. SYDNEY BREAKTHROUGH EXPERIENCE 2024

 

Save the date for SYDNEY BREAKTHROUGH EXPERIENCE 2024 on May 25th & 26th! Use our link to join and be part of our BONUS event on May 27th at 8 pm Sydney time. We’re giving away the entire referral fee collected! Share love with friends and family—whether you’re a refresher or a new attendee, it’s for everyone. Can’t wait to see you there!