Let’s delve into the fascinating world of sibling relationships, drawing inspiration from both psychology and philosophy to provide valuable insights for coaches who seek to understand their clients facing challenges in work and home life.

 

When I reflected on the Relationships Unveiled series and thought about the niches coaches go into, it was interesting that there are many parenting coaches and relationship coaches, but how many sibling coaches do you know?

 

I can’t think of one. Can you?

 

Yet this relationship is your first peer relationship, the one you spend the most time with, that you have known and know you the longest. With such a foundational relationship, let’s deep dive into this together.  

 

In the realm of human psychology, sibling relationships have often been relegated to the sidelines, a lesser-explored facet of the intricate tapestry of human interactions. 

 

Sigmund Freud himself granted siblings mere passing mentions in his extensive body of work. 

 

I had to do some digging to find research on this topic and found recent decades have witnessed a profound awakening in the field as researchers begin to unveil the profound impact of siblings on one another’s lives. 

 

Karen Gail Lewis, Ph.D., a sibling therapist of five decades, has recently authored ‘Sibling Therapy,’ an eye-opening work that delves into how sibling dynamics significantly shape personalities and destinies. 

 

I know that, I have a complicated sibling dynamic. There was my older brother and I for 5.5 years. Then along came two younger siblings. But then I lived with my Dad, his new partner (AKA my new mumma bear) and brother full time. My mumma bear had a daughter who was 12 years older and was like a sister, friend, and mum all rolled into one. 

During my teen years, my brother was staying with his girlfriend a lot and wasn’t home. My sister was out of home and so I spent my teen years as, what felt like, being an only child. This definitely was formative in my ability to go inward. 

 

So it felt like lots of sibling relationships were coming and going.

 

Dr. Lewis beautifully unveils how early experiences and perceptions with our first companions lay the foundation for adult relationships, both at home and in the workplace.

 

The Sibling Crucible: A Laboratory of Life

Dr. Lewis believes that the sibling relationship is the crucible where individuals first learn to navigate the complex terrain of human interactions. It is during this formative period that children discover the art of conflict resolution, cooperation, negotiation, and competition. 

 

These skills, etched into their psyches during sibling interactions, often resurface in their adult relationships. This echoes the timeless wisdom of the philosopher Aristotle, who remarked, “We are what we repeatedly do..” Indeed, our early sibling experiences shape the habits that govern our later relationships, both at home and at work.

 

Parental Echoes: Recreating Sibling Dynamics

Parents, whether consciously or not, tend to project their own sibling experiences onto their children. Those who enjoy harmonious sibling bonds may expect the same for their offspring, while those burdened with sibling conflicts may fear their children will tread a similar path. 

 

Consequently, parents may inadvertently intensify normal sibling disagreements by intervening too hastily, inadvertently signalling to their children that they cannot resolve their issues independently.

 

Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, said, “He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.” AKA, you become what you condemn. 

 

In their attempts to shield their children from the adversities they experience, parents may unknowingly perpetuate these very conflicts.

 

Sibling Dynamics in the Workplace

Sibling dynamics extend their tendrils into the professional arena as well. Research reveals that unresolved sibling issues from childhood can manifest as self-sabotage patterns in the workplace.

 

Neuroscientific studies have demonstrated that these patterns are deeply ingrained in the brain’s neural pathways, making them difficult to break free from without introspection and change in perspective. Luckily you have the Demartini Method, which does both. 

 

As coaches, understanding these deeply rooted patterns is instrumental in helping clients navigate workplace challenges.

 

Sibling as ‘First Marriage’ and Relationship Choices

Dr. Lewis refers to the sibling relationship as a “first marriage.” It is within this initial bond that individuals learn to live intimately with peers of the same generation. 

Philosophers like Simone de Beauvoir emphasized the importance of choice in relationships, and this extends to sibling dynamics. 

 

Adults may find that they unknowingly replicate patterns from their ‘first marriage’ in their choice of romantic partners. 

 

For instance, individuals who experienced abuse from a sibling may unconsciously gravitate towards abusive partners, echoing the philosopher George Santayana’s says, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

 

Sibling Dynamics in Friendships

Our early experiences with siblings can reverberate through our choices in friendships. Children who feel inferior to their siblings may, in adulthood, be drawn to friends who assert dominance and make decisions on their behalf. 

 

Understanding these dynamics can be vital for coaches working with clients who grapple with perceived toxic friendships, shedding light on the roots of these relationships.

 

The sibling relationship is a profound force that weaves through the tapestry of our lives. As a coach, armed with insights from both psychology and philosophy, can deeply understand their clients’ challenges, whether in the workplace or at home from a new lens. 

 

Recognizing the echoes of sibling dynamics in adulthood equips you to guide your clients toward self-awareness, healing, and fulfilling relationships. With this knowledge, you can empower your clients to embrace their early life experiences and rewrite the scripts of their lives.

Parenthood, that remarkable journey of nurturing and guiding the next generation, is often filled with moments of profound self-discovery. 

 

As parents, we embark on this voyage with the intention of imparting wisdom and love to our children (or just doing the opposite of what our parents did haha). 

 

Yet, in the process, our little ones can become powerful mirrors, reflecting aspects of ourselves that we have long neglected or disowned. 

 

In this journey of reflection, children can be catalysts for our own growth and transformation, leading us on a path of unconditional self-love.

 

The Mirror Effect: Children As Reflectors

Children possess an uncanny ability to mirror our thoughts, behaviours, and emotions. They hold up a mirror to our subconscious, reflecting back to us aspects of ourselves that we may not have fully embraced or acknowledged. 

 

This phenomenon is not merely coincidental; it is deeply rooted in psychology.

 

Psychologist Carl Jung introduced the concept of the “shadow self” – the parts of our psyche that we have repressed or disowned due to societal conditioning or personal discomfort. 

 

Children, in their authenticity, often bring these shadow aspects to the surface. 

 

It can be as simple as a child exhibiting stubbornness when we, as parents, have strived to be accommodating. Or it can manifest as a child expressing vulnerability when we’ve habitually concealed our own.

 

The Lesson in Reflection: Embracing Disowned Parts

Children’s reflections can serve as valuable lessons. Rather than viewing these reflections with resistance or judgment, we can choose to explore them with curiosity and fascination. 

 

When a child exhibits a trait, action or inaction that triggers discomfort within us, it is an invitation to examine our own thoughts and experiences.

 

Perhaps we have been suppressing these very traits, actions or inactions due to societal expectations or past experiences.

 

As philosopher Søren Kierkegaard wisely noted, “Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards.” By engaging in this introspective journey, we can gradually uncover and integrate these disowned parts of ourselves. 

 

This process can be challenging, as it often requires us to confront long-buried emotions and unresolved experiences. It is through this that we find the path to love.

 

Parenting as Self-Reflection: Breaking the Cycle

In addition to mirroring our disowned parts, children can also challenge us to break free from cycles of generational patterns and conditioning. 

 

Many of us inherit behaviours and beliefs from our parents and ancestors, both positive and negative. Children, by their very presence, prompt us to question these patterns. 

 

Are we perpetuating cycles of emotional suppression, perfectionism, or inadequacy? Or are we actively working to create fulfilled environments for our children?

 

To quote philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, “Become who you are.” Parenthood can be a profound opportunity to become more authentically ourselves by shedding the layers of inherited expectations and embracing our true selves.

 

Unconditional Self-Love: The Ultimate Gift to Our Children

As we journey through self-reflection and integration of our disowned parts, we ultimately arrive at the destination of unconditional love. This form of love is not dependent on external validation or perfection.

 

It is a love that embraces our flaws, vulnerabilities, and imperfections, recognizing them as integral parts of our unique human experience.

 

When we model unconditional love, we gift our children with a powerful lesson – the importance of self-appreciation. This invaluable lesson equips them to navigate their own lives with resilience and authenticity, unburdened by the need for external approval and acceptance.

 

Conclusion: The Transformative Mirror of Parenthood

Parenthood is a profound journey of self-discovery and growth. Our children, as mirrors of our disowned parts, beckon us to embark on a voyage of self-reflection and integration. 

 

Through this process, we can break free from generational patterns and conditioning, ultimately arriving at the shores of unconditional love. 

 

In doing so, we not only transform ourselves but also gift our children with the wisdom and inner strength to embrace their own unique journeys with love and authenticity. 

 

As the philosopher Rumi reminds us, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” 

 

Let us embrace the reflective power of parenthood and let the light of love illuminate our lives and the lives of our precious little ones.

 

P.S. At 15 weeks pregnant, Kate’s unborn baby had a heart condition. She decided to end the baby’s life against the medical team pushing for her to keep the baby. The client struggled with having to be the one to make it and felt she had taken someone’s life. She also didn’t feel supported by the medical team in the process. Watch the Hot Seat Class here.

Over the next 4 weeks I’m going to be sharing a series of newsletters on ‘Relationships Unvield.’  

 

Each newsletter in the series explores this theme in a different context – children, siblings, intimate partners, workplace colleagues, and sexual expression and how the different types of relationships serve as mirrors, reflecting and shaping various aspects of our inner selves.

 

We start off with the individual closest to us, our intimate relationship. 

 

Intimate relationships are more than just romantic unions; they are profound mirrors reflecting our inner landscapes. 

 

These relationships have the ability to possess a unique power – they can illuminate the darkest corners of your soul, bringing to light the parts of ourselves that we may have long repressed or maybe even deemed unlovable. #canyoufeelthelovetonight

 

In the sacred space of intimacy, we have the opportunity to embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery, healing, and ultimately, embracing our whole selves.

 

The Reflective Power of Intimacy

Intimate relationships act as a mirror, offering us glimpses of our hidden, disowned parts. Intimate partners can bring to the surface aspects of ourselves that we may have buried due to societal conditioning, past trauma, or self-judgment.

 

These repressed parts often manifest as insecurities, fears, or unresolved emotional wounds.

 

Psychologist and philosopher William James famously said, “We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.” 

 

Intimate relationships bridge the gap between these islands, exposing our interconnectedness and inviting us to explore deeper within ourselves to realise our whole self.

 

Confronting the Shadows: Embracing Our Repressed Parts

Intimate relationships provide a safe space to confront our shadows – those aspects of ourselves that we may have deemed unworthy of love. 

 

When our partners trigger feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or vulnerability, it is an invitation to look within and explore the origins of these emotions. 

 

Perhaps they stem from past perceived wounds or beliefs we adopted about ourselves.

 

Philosopher Carl Jung coined the term “individuation” to describe the process of integrating the different facets of our personality into a unified whole. 

 

Intimate relationships serve as catalysts for this process, prompting a journey of self-discovery and healing, if we choose. 

 

The Healing Power of Unconditional Love

Intimate partners play a unique role in our healing journey. When they witness and love our repressed parts, it can be profoundly transformative. 

 

This shows we are lovable and worthy of love, even in our perceived flaws and vulnerabilities.

 

When we receive unconditional love from our spouses, it becomes a catalyst for self-love. We begin to see that we are deserving of love not just in spite of our imperfections but because of them. #deeplove

 

Intimacy as a Journey of Self-Discovery

Intimate relationships are a journey, not a destination. 

 

As we explore our repressed parts within the context of a loving partnership, we become more intimately acquainted with ourselves. 

 

We uncover the layers of conditioning, insecurities, and fears that have shaped us, and in doing so, we gain the power to reshape our narratives.

Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre famously said, “We are our choices.” In intimate relationships, we are confronted with choices – to confront our shadows, to heal, and to love unconditionally. 

Each choice we make brings us closer to embracing our whole selves and, in turn, enriches the depth of our intimacy. 

 

Questions of Growth

Here are some questions to ask to grow in your relationship.

1. What is my relationship reflecting to me?
2. What parts am I trying to hide from my spouse or the world that they are bringing to the surface for me to face?
3. How is my spouse helping me to unconditionally love myself and/or others.

 

Intimate relationships are alchemical laboratories where the lead of our repressed and unloved parts can be transformed into the gold of self-love and acceptance. 

 

They hold the power to reveal, heal, and ultimately integrate these hidden aspects of ourselves, enabling us to become more complete and loving beings.

 

In the sacred space of intimacy, we learn that to love another deeply, we must first love and embrace our own repressed parts. 

 

In doing so, we unlock the potential for profound personal growth and the kind of love that transcends illusions and limitations.

 

In the sacred space of intimacy, we learn that to love another deeply, we must first love and embrace our own repressed parts. 

 

In doing so, we unlock the potential for profound personal growth and the kind of love that transcends illusions and limitations. 

So, as a coach, or as a spouse, I hope that you found this valuable.

 

Until next week.

 

Tanya x

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

Maximum Growth

Have you ever sat down to do ‘the work’ but then…

 

Oh, you forgot your water. 

 

Off you go to fill up your bottle.  

 

Back at your Demartini Method form, you start thinking about what you want to work on. 

 

A colleague? A friend? A leader?…’

 

Your phone beeps with a notification.     

 

You check it. It’s a message from a client. Better respond. 

 

Back to form again. 

 

Rumble. 

 

What’s that sound? 

 

Rumble. Rumble. 

 

What’s going on? Where is that sound coming from? 

 

Rumble. Rumble. Rumble.

 

Of course! It’s my belly! 

 

Better go eat. Can’t work when I’m hungry.  

 

Off to make a snack.

 

And then you’ve 30 minutes into applying the Demartini Method and you haven’t even selected the trait, action or inaction. 

 

This was me recently when I went to sit down to do the work. 

 

But what’s going on? 

 

Distraction. Yes. That’s obvious. 

 

Seeking pleasure. At times. Yes.

 

Let’s deep dive into this as I know you’ve had moments like this in your journey of applying the work. 

 

What’s the problem behind the problem?

 

1. Afraid of shining your light in the world? Because with you light comes accountability and responsibility. And that’s scary.
2. Worried about the changes to your life? Maybe it’s outgrowing your life, your philosophies, your friends. Maybe it means less time with your children. Not embracing the change and holding tightly onto the current experience. 
3. Comparison with how sllllloooowww you are at doing the work compared to others. But this old chestnut isn’t something that shows up here when you’re doing the work when you do business, friendships, or life. 

 

Have you thought of this {name}… 

 

Maybe how you show up and do the Demartini Method is how you do life? 

1. Run from it 
2. Stay stuck 
3. Talk about it but don’t do it
4. Devote to it and stick at it even when it’s tough

 

Maybe all these show up in your life where you run from challenges and problems, choose to stay stuck and not move, mentally masticate but don’t take action in business and life, or devote to the things that you value, roll up your sleeves and do the hard work that it takes to grow and get your service to the world. 

 

Marriam Williamson said it perfectly ‘We are more afraid of our light than our dark.’ 

 

But a little wisdom from Abraham Lincoln “you’re not bound to succeed, you are bound to live up to the light within you.”  

 

QUESTIONS OF GROWTH 

 

Here are some Demartini Method Questions you can ask yourself.

 

• If not now? When?

 

• If not, who? Why not you? 

So, in those moments of distraction, when you find yourself avoiding work that could potentially change your life… 

 

Remember, Maximum Growth is here, week in, week out to hold your hand or your feet to the fire to do the inner work. 

 

And if you are scared, if you are resisting, just on the edge of that is greatness

 

It’s time to shine brightly, to step into your power, and to share your story with the world. The world needs your light, and it’s your responsibility to let it shine.

 

The journey will be worth it.

 

Tanya ‘Counsellort’ Cross

 

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

Maximum Growth