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You know the urge to fix before you can stop it. It starts before the other person has finished talking.
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It is Thursday night. Your partner drops their bag by the door and starts telling you about their week. A hard conversation with their manager. A project that slipped. Something someone said that landed wrong. Before they finish, you have three ideas ready. Who they should talk to. What they could say. What you would do in their place. You offer them. They nod and go a bit flat. Then someone asks what is for dinner, and they do not say any more about their week. Later that night you think about it. You meant it as help.
The Urge to Fix Is How You Have Always MatteredSolving problems is not a habit for you. It is most of how you built your life. It is what clients pay for, what your team brings you, what you are known for. At some point it became more than your work. It became the way you know you matter. So if you go straight to solutions when someone you love is struggling, it is because you care. Years ago, caring and fixing turned into one thing for you, and you have not had a reason to pull them apart since.
You Cannot Just Be ThereListening is not the hard part for you. Being there when there is nothing to solve is. Sitting with someone in their difficulty, no task, no fix, nothing to do but be there, is one of the few situations your whole life has not trained you for. It feels like being useless. And useless, for you, has always sat close to being no one. So you jump in. A fix gives you something to do, and doing something is where you have felt like you count for most of your life. That is the trade you keep making without seeing it. Presence, swapped for usefulness. Your partner came home wanting you there with them. You gave them a solution instead.
What They Were Asking ForMost of the time the person telling you about their hard week already knows what they could do. They have been going over it all week, long before you heard about it. They want to tell you about it and have you there for it. Jump in with answers too early and their week starts to feel like your project. They walk away feeling handled. So next time they tell you a little less, and you may never catch the moment it started.
Who You Are Without the Urge to FixBeing with someone while they struggle is doing something. Most people want that from the ones they love, you included, and your fixing has been getting in the way of it. Staying with them means a few uncomfortable minutes with no problem to solve. Give it those minutes and you start to notice something. You did not disappear. Their week did not fall apart because you were not useful for a moment. You were there with them, and that was enough. That is the shift, and it has little to do with listening better. Bit by bit you see that you do not vanish when you stop being useful, and that being there with them was helping all along. Once that sinks in, the urge to fix loosens by itself. What it was protecting you from was not there in the first place.
The Question Worth AskingYou can still solve things. You are extraordinary at it, and the people you love rely on it. What is worth noticing is when you reach for the fix fastest. A lot of the time it is when someone wanted you with them more than they wanted your answer. Think about how it feels when someone lets you talk without trying to fix anything. Could you give that to the people you love, with nothing to solve and no way to be useful? If you catch yourself reaching for the answer before anyone has asked, book a 15-minute Strategy Call and we will look at what the urge to fix has been protecting. To your brilliance, Tanya Cross Industry Leader Coach & The Coaches’ Coach BAppSoSc (Counselling) |
