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Knowing when to step down is rarely about the role, and almost always about who you are without it.
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Friday night I found myself listening to Ryan Holiday talk about stoicism, and how what was moving through society in 300 BCE is moving through it again now. It made me think. Seneca wrote about old lawyers who, with their dying breath, were still arguing cases. Not really for their clients. For their own relevance. Two thousand years later I see the same thing in boardrooms. The founder who cannot hand over. The CEO who keeps finding a reason to stay another year, then another. The leader whose best work in the role is clearly behind them, and who stays anyway. From the outside it looks like commitment. Sometimes it is commitment. But a lot of the time, it is not.
Why Staying Feels StrongPersistence built your career. You were the one who stayed when others walked. When it got tough, you kept going. And that has served you. So when leaving comes up, of course staying looks like the strong thing to do. Leaving looks a lot like quitting to you, and not quitting is part of who you are. The trouble is, persistence and avoidance can look exactly alike. Past a certain point, staying is not courage. It is a way of not facing a harder question.
The Role as a Hiding PlaceThe harder question is this. Who am I without this? For a lot of leaders I know, the role and the person grew into each other years ago. People know who you are from your title before you say a word. Your week is built around it, and so is your diary. The respect that comes with it is a big part of what tells you that you matter. Step away and all of it goes quiet. What is left is a question most high performers have been far too busy to sit with for decades. So the role quietly becomes a place to hide. Not from the work. From the silence that would come after it.
Continuing Versus ClingingThe line I draw with clients is simple to say and hard to see in yourself. Continuing serves the work. The organisation needs you, the thing is not finished, and what you bring is still the best available. You could leave. You are choosing to stay, at least for now. Clinging serves the self. The organisation would be fine without you, maybe better. But you need the role intact to stay intact. You could not leave, even if part of you wanted to. Anyone looking in could not tell which one it is. Either way you have got the same title, and you are working the same long weeks. What tells them apart is the reason you are staying. And you will only see that reason once you get honest with yourself about what you are protecting.
When Staying Is AlignedThis is not an argument for leaving. Plenty of leaders stay for good reasons. A succession that is not ready yet, people who are relying on them, or work they have not finished. Staying is not the problem. Staying for a reason you cannot say out loud is. There is a simple test I use. Say your reason to the person who knows you best, your partner maybe, or a close friend. Watch their face. Do they nod, or do the questions start? If the reason comes out easily, chances are you are continuing. If you hear yourself building a whole case for it, that is usually clinging.
Three Questions That Show You Which One It IsPicture the organisation going well without you. Would you still stay? Continuing survives that question. Clinging flinches. What are you afraid would be true about you if you left? The answer usually names the exact thing the role has been protecting you from. Who would you be on the first Monday after? Not the version of you on holiday. Not the one filling the week with fun to stay ahead of it. The person still standing there once the novelty of freedom has worn off. If you cannot picture them, that is the work. The work is not leaving the role. It is finding who you are beyond it.
The Next Evolution Starts With the QuestionYour next evolution does not start with leaving. It starts with asking who you are without the role, then giving yourself enough time with that question to hear what comes back. The leaders who do this rarely regret it. Some stay, and stay better, because now they are choosing it. Others leave, and find out the identity that built their success was only ever a chapter. Either way, they stop hiding. And that is where the next chapter actually starts. That is what struck me, listening on Friday night. Seneca watched those lawyers argue for their own relevance two thousand years ago, and Ryan Holiday is right that the same thing is still moving through us now. The role has changed. The clinging has not. The work has always been the same one. To know who you are when the arguing stops. If you are not sure whether you are continuing or clinging, book a 15-minute Strategy Call and we can look at what the role has been protecting. To your brilliance, Tanya Cross Industry Leader Coach & The Coaches’ Coach BAppSoSc (Counselling) |
