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The courage to see others as they are, rather than as a reflection of yourself, is one of the most underrated shifts in leadership. One of my favourite observations in the work I do with leaders is this: you do not see the world as it is, but as you are.
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This speaks to the deeply subjective nature of perception. Everyone interprets the world through their own lens, shaped by their experiences, values, and beliefs. This got me reflecting. In relationships, this dynamic becomes even more pronounced: we tend to see others not as they are but as reflections of ourselves. We unconsciously project our own perspectives, values, and expectations onto others. This happens because we assume that what we appreciate, value, and find meaningful must also resonate with them in the same way.
The Projection We Do Not SeeBut here is the challenge: no one is a perfect mirror of us. Each individual carries their own set of experiences, values, and ways of navigating life. Even when we find common ground, expecting others to align perfectly with our worldview creates friction. Misalignment is almost inevitable when we assume that others should think, act, and care as we do. It takes courage to question that assumption. Yet, so many people fall into this pattern: The business owner who expects their team to work as tirelessly as they do. The manager who assumes everyone is motivated by the same incentives. The parent who expects their children to embrace the same values they grew up with. The friend who assumes that giving advice is the best way to show care.
Where This Shows Up in RelationshipsThis tendency becomes particularly noticeable in emotional relationships. If we value certain expressions of affection or communication, we might expect others to do the same, assuming that our way of expressing love should naturally resonate with them. However, relationships are nuanced, and people express intimacy in ways shaped by their unique life experiences. No one thinks or feels exactly the same as we do. Yet, we often wish they would. That wish is a perception issue, not a connection one. We project assumptions onto them, expecting them to meet our unspoken expectations. This creates a gap between what we hope for and what is present. And it is in that gap that discord impacts our interactions. Closing that gap requires a different kind of courage.
The Courage to See Others as They Are“You do not see the world as it is, but as you are.” This is the paradox of the work. The world, and especially the people in it, reflects back parts of ourselves. When we embrace this, we begin to see relationships differently. Not as mirrors that should perfectly reflect us, but as opportunities to understand and appreciate the beauty in our differences. This does not apply to every situation in every moment. Sometimes, it is not about making others align with who we are. It is about understanding them as they are. That is where the courage lives. Not in holding your ground, but in being willing to see through a lens that is not your own.
If this pattern of projection has been running your relationships or your leadership and you are ready to see it differently, book a 15-minute Strategy Call and explore what shifts when you lead with the courage to see others as they are.
To your brilliance, Tanya Cross Industry Leader Coach & The Coaches’ Coach BAppSoSc (Counselling) |
