I Guarantee This Coach

Tanya Cross on January 31, 2024

Hi Coach,

 

When a person is stuck in the trauma of their past, they find it hard to imagine a future for themselves. 

 

Couple this with the loss of identity – who the hell are you? And not having a sense of self can lead to deep dark depression and even a suicidal state of mind.

 

I want to explore with you later, the suicidal thoughts. 

 

Now, this might not be you now, but I hope that this information is stored in your mind for if you fall into the darkness, or you are working with a client who is. And, if this is you right now, reading this, you have come to the perfect place for the perfect message.  

 

For some people, their struggle is with choices they make that do not seem to align with who they wish to be. 

 

Some struggle with regrets of the past. Some do not love the skin they are in. 

 

The struggle is real. 

 

Some people grappled with a sense of stagnation. It’s like their identity is rooted in the past, and they can’t seem to move forward. 

 

Time becomes this eternal loop. Stuck in the past. No conscious perception of a brighter future.

 

When a problem arises, it feels like a replication of a past problem. Over and over again, unable to envision a viable escape, this is when people can think about committing suicide. 

 

Instead of dealing with the mayhem in their memories, they push them away.

 

It takes courage to review your life, face things that are painful, and ask quality questions to appreciate the choices you made under challenging circumstances.

 

Yes, it is so difficult to face yourself. 

 

But what do you do when you are having thoughts of ending your life?

 

Do this one thing immediately. 

 

  • Change any “you” statements to “we” to give you a greater sense of belonging.

 

When you belong, you feel connected to communication, and that people care, you feel less isolated and alone, and can build connections that make you want to stay there. 

 

The next is to tell you that it will get better – but that means nothing to you, and, in fact, is only selling you an illusion of a bright and sparkly future, which you are rejecting anyway. 

 

Instead – I am going to get real with you. 

 

Life is hard.

 

Life is a struggle.

 

It is difficult. 

 

But your struggle is what makes you beautiful. 

 

You have the choice to perceive things through a different lens. 

 

Because a little wisdom in the confusion of Confucius (hehe) is the greatest gift in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”  

 

At Maximum Growth, week in, and week out, we share tools for you to be able to shift the lens to get up and find the light. 

 

Come join us for our weekly Demartini Method Classes in our Mindset Evolution Membership, or join the Business Growth Membership to create an aligned business (do business your way baby).

 

We show up each and every week to class, throughout the year. 

 

Make 2024 the best year yet!

 

With love and oodles of life,

 

Tanya “Coach” Cross

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

 

P.S. I’m doing the Power Walkshop in Sydney this year, want to know more?! Click here. 

P.P.S. The Transformational Experience is coming up, come join us! Click here.

 

 

What About This Dynamic?

Tanya Cross on January 31, 2024

As a coach, I’ve dealt with clients who have experienced all sorts of challenges.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is one of them.

It’s when someone deals with anger or frustration by, for example:

  • Saying they’re ok when they are not
  • Pouting
  • Giving the silent treatment
  • Agreeing to do something and then not following through
  • Responding with sarcasm

When a client wants this dynamic to shift, here is what is important.

Find the problem under the problem.

Why?

Let’s define what exactly passive-aggressive behaviour is and why people demonstrate it.

Then, we’ll see how and why this phrase is so effective at shifting the perspective of the client.

Passive aggression is the display of perceived negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive or “passive” manner.

It often involves subtle and covert actions that may not be immediately recognizable as hostile.

Some characteristics of passive aggression:

  • Indirect Communication: Passive-aggressive individuals may avoid direct communication of their feelings or needs, making it challenging for others to understand their true emotions. This is shown when someone repeatedly states that they’re fine, even when it’s obvious that they’re not. Or, they completely shut down communication and refuse to discuss what is going on in their mind.
  • Procrastination: Deliberate delays and procrastination can be a way for passive-aggressive individuals to express resistance or opposition.
  • Sarcasm and Veiled Criticism: Passive aggression often involves the use of sarcasm or veiled criticism, making it difficult for others to pinpoint the issue.

Passive aggression can stem from various sources, including childhood experiences, interpersonal conflicts, or a fear of expressing one’s needs directly.

Further, since the underlying situation never gets resolved, it continues to be a problem and often comes back up repeatedly.

But if it is eroding relationships, why do people do it?

It is because people who are demonstrating passive aggressive behaviour are conflict-avoidant.

Instead of addressing conflicts directly and head-on, they tend to express their negative feelings or opposition in more indirect ways. This behaviour stems from a reluctance to openly confront or engage in conflicts, possibly due to fear of rejection, criticism, or feeling emotions they perceive to be uncomfortable.

So when you have a client dealing with passive aggressiveness.

Asking – how does them demonstrating passive aggressiveness serve only shifts the surface dynamic.

Let’s get back to finding the problem under the problem.

  • Not expressing themselves
  • Avoiding communication
  • Avoiding conflict
  • Avoid responsibility
  • Power imbalance (passive aggressive increases power within them)
  • Fear of rejection/not being liked
  • Not responding in a timely manner in arguments

These are some of the problems under the problem for the person being passive aggressive.

But for the client, you want to be thinking about

  • Their communication style
  • Giving mixed messages
  • Information being withheld
  • Competitive communication
  • Inconsistent communication

So for the client, the experience of passive aggressive can be an opportunity for them to step up!

Active communication is one skill that people can learn that’ll help with disarming people and shifting communication dynamics.

Here are some examples of active communication:

  • “I feel overwhelmed when there’s too much on my plate.”
  • “It’s important for me to have some alone time. I value my personal space.”
  • “I’d appreciate it if you could be more mindful of your tone when speaking to me.”
  • “I don’t like feeling pressured to do this.”
  • “I find it challenging to concentrate in a noisy environment. Can we keep it quieter?”
  • “I need more notice. It’s important for me to plan things like this.”
  • “I value punctuality. It’s frustrating for me when meetings start late.”
  • “I need acknowledgment for my contributions. It’s important for my motivation.”
  • “Can you please ask me before making this type of decision?”
  • “I’m uncomfortable with gossip. Let’s focus on positive and constructive conversations.”
  • “I prefer to receive feedback privately rather than in a group setting.”
  • “I don’t like it when assumptions are made about my intentions. Let’s clarify things.”
  • “I need time to decompress after a long day. Can we discuss important matters later in the evening?

‘I’ statements are not ‘you’ statements. You statements are accusatory and blaming and of course, people will not manage those conversations well. I statements help you to communicate how you feel, from your perspective.

When you clearly communicate your own feelings and expectations while also telling the other person that you don’t know what’s wrong and that you’d like them to express how they’re thinking or feeling.

As a coach, it is not just mindset that can help your client, it is also communication skill sets that can help your clients to navigate passive aggressiveness.

With love and sprinkles of wisdom,

Tanya “not so cross” Cross

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator
BAppSoSc (Counselling)
Maximum Growth

P.S. I’m doing the Power Walkshop in Sydney this year, want to know more?! Click here.
P.P.S. Interested in joining the Power Walkshop in Sydney? Click here.

Which One Are You?

Tanya Cross on January 18, 2024

Australia did well at the Golden Globes this week. 

 

3 Aussie actresses won. 

 

Sarah Snook, Elizabeth Debicki, and Margot Robbie.

 

  • Snook, who grew up in Adelaide, was awarded Best Actress in a Drama Series in Succession. 

  • Elizabeth Debicki, who grew up in Melbourne, won the award for the best supporting actress on television for her role as Princess Diana in The Crown. 

  • Margot Robbie, from Queensland, didn’t receive a specific award, but instead, Barbie won the award for the best cinematic and box office achievement.

 

You see, all three actors made their film or TV debut in 2009, 2011, and 2008 respectively. 

 

That’s only 15, 13, and 16 years later that they are being recognised globally for their work.

 

Sarah Snook’s breakthrough in her career happened in 2014, 5 years after she started acting in TV and film.

Elizabeth Debicki’s breakthrough in her career happened in 2017, 6 years after she began her craft.

 

Margot Robbie’s breakthrough in her career happened in 2013, 5 years after she started acting in TV and film.

 

Inexperienced Initiation

Let’s face it, at the beginning of any career there is a lot of uncertainty. And certainly as a coach. 

 

Because it isn’t about acting on a screen, it is about helping people with their lives. 

 

When it comes to producing the results you want, it isn’t happening. You’re not fully aware of your skills, or the individual’s problems. 

 

However, what is beautiful about this stage is it is the starting point for growth. This, coupled with the love to serve, you are on your way to mastery.

 

Awareness Awakening

Then you begin to see the path, you gain experience, and become consciously aware of your gaps in knowledge and skills. 

 

During this phase, we have early challenges and setbacks at this time. Maybe it is a lack of clients streaming through the door or a failed session. 

 

This allows you the opportunity to be tested, ‘Do you really want this?’ 

 

As you begin to develop your skills, you’re becoming more conscious of your incompetence (ouch – but true).

 

This is where you are seeking coaches, classes, and courses to upskill. 

 

Proficiency Pursuit

With dedication to your craft as a coach, and continuous learning, you then move onto the stage of being dedicated to your craft. 

 

You know you want this path, you have overcome the hurdles along the way, and you want to be persistent to achieve mastery. 

 

This is where you have honed your craft, actively applying your skills with a heightened awareness.

 

Sarah Snook’s breakthrough in 2014, Elizabeth Debicki’s in 2017, and Margot Robbie’s in 2013 reflect this phase of deliberate skill application.

 

As a coach, when you start witnessing significant outcomes with clients, there’s a heightened awareness of your skill level. However, it can often feel like a rollercoaster of confidence and uncertainty.

 

There are moments when you feel assured and confident in your abilities, and everything seems to align seamlessly.

 

Yet, with the arrival of the next client, you suddenly feel unfamiliar, and you find yourself grappling with uncertainty once again. 

 

Effortless Expertise

Now, this is where the magic really happens…

 

The pinnacle of mastery is reaching a state of unconscious competence. Kind of like, ‘I can do this with my eyes closed’ moment. 

 

This is when skills become second nature, and you, as the coach, can perform at a high level without thinking. 

 

The recognition at the Golden Globes symbolizes the culmination of their journey, showcasing that they’ve reached a point where their mastery is second nature.

 

This is where you think ‘Ah, I don’t need a coach anymore.’

 

But, what is important to remember when you get to this stage… 

 

Pinnacle, means the top, but the moment you don’t see another pinnacle in the distance (that you create), then you’re on the way down. 

 

There is room for growth and mastery here. 

 


 

So curious, which stage are you at on your coaching journey?

Tanya x

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator

BAppSoSc (Counselling)

Maximum Growth

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